Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
