if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
