I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
