Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
lol hangovers are for mortals.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
