my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
