I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
