Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
