Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
