I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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