I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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