Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
