this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
