It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
