did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
