she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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