Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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