thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
