Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
