you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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