She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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