He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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