My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
