did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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