I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
