I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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