I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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