why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
