i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
