Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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