I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
