The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
