you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
