If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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