Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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