Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
