my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
