I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He uses pillows to masturbate.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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