I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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