So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
