the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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