If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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