And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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