Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I forgot how hot balto sounded
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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