I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
what day is it and did you see me today?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
