Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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