I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
