Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
