I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you didnt know i had herpes?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
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