And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
