So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
