i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
